[Mares]

Hi guys..

Well, after a sleepless night of worry and panic (see other topic threads in both General Chat "I'm terrified - please help" and in Behavioural/nervousness & aggression "Re-introduction not working"... I've come to the painful decision to phone Daneline and get Missy re-homed. I feel sick and guilty. I never in a thousand years thought I would be what I thought was the stereo typical type of person who would ever 'give up their dog'. But I am and I really hate myself for it.

After behaviourist advice and advice on this forum and from Daneline's Sue this morning it is most probably impossible to re-introduce Missy and Phoebe because Missy's reaction even upon seeing Phoebe through our conservatory this morning is so violent and put's her in such a distressing state of vicious anxiety it wouldn't be fair to keep forcing them into being with eachother again.

I'm terrified and ashamed. My kids are upset and the more support my husband Ian shows me in this decision the more I'm angry at him for agreeing :(

Has anyone else got any stories from the 'otherside' of re-homing, where you've given up your beloved dog? The pain and guilt are almost unbearable.. but I imagine both those feelings if they ever fought 'to the death' or caused significant injury to each other would be a thousand times as bad.

Mares x x

[NALA21]

Hello There Mares,

I am so sorry that you have had to make this decision, I know exactly how you are feeling , I too had to give up my first dane , his name was Logan and we got him from Liz and Gordon at Great Dane Care Wales , he was our first dane and we adored hime , we re-homed him in Febuary 08 and he was such a fantastic loving dog , Logan came to us at the age of three , and the poor lad had unfortunatley been really mistreated , he had been locked in a she with no windows with another merle dane bitch , they hadnt been fed much at all and were left to live in there own excrement - Logan and the bitch had mated - and obvuiously you shouldnt breed from a merle anyway so the pups were up against the odds from the start , then they were born into a shed of darkness and no food because there mummy wasnt being fed properly she couldnt feed them and also was too weak to look after them , so Logan tried to look after them , when they were rescued from the shed , only 2 of the 8 puppies were still alive and Logan had been trying to take are of them.

So from the start we knew Logan had issues , he wasnt too great on the lead when he saw other dogs , but we felt we could work through that , but one day when my Fiance's little brothers came round he growled at them , which scared the life out of us - we tried on several occasions to try and get him use to the children , but in the end we felt it was too much of a risk - we do not have any children ourselfs yet - but we know we want them , so we felt it would be unfair to keep Logan , as much as we loved him , we didnt want children to be at risk - and him ending up being shoved out the way , or put outside as they werent safe - so we made the very very painful and hard decision to give him up.

We took Logan to a new home in portsmouth , but unfortunatley that didnt work out as he didnt get on with there bitch. So we decided to hand him back to Liz and Gordon who said they would try there best to find him another home - that was late Nov 08 - a few weeks later , before christmas we had the great news that Logan had been rehomed with a family in Wales - who lived on a farm and had grown up children.

It was such a hard decision to make, but to know Logan is happy and living the life he deserves to live makes it worth it , There arent many days I dont think of him , and I wish I could cuddle him - but im so happy that we made that choice - as I often imagine him running around happily on a lovely farm ! Im in tears now writing this , as it will always be upsetting - but you are making the right decision for you and for Missy and of course Phoebe - you have tried you very best - and you have nothing to feel embarassed or ashamed about at all - you are making a very difficult decision. My heart goes out to you hunny , Thinking of you and your family at this sad time, Hope my story has made you feel alittle better.

I have attached a few piccies of Lovely Logan - Miss you gorgeous !!
Laura
xxx

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[wilma]

i went through this last year with my 2 boxers it reached the stage where they had a dreadful full on fight something i wish never to see again this was after months of trying to resolve their issues [previously they had been ok with each other] Bren had to go she went through a boxer rescue and is now rehomed succesfully with a male boxer i do not keep in touch its too painful but i know she is safe happy and will always be in the care of the rescue
the decission to rehome was painful and i cried for days i miss her dreadfully even now but i know it was the right decission my 2 remaining dogs are a lot happier and calmer
i think what i did was right for the dogs even though i always believed i would never give up on a dog and in a way i didn't give up i made a choice that gave both dogs a better quality of life
i hope this helps you i'm not good at putting things across very well but i know the pain you are going through
Janexx

[Southpark Helen]

In my opinion you are making the right decision for your family and for the Dane. So you really don't need to feel ashamed or guilty or be angry with your husband. Daneline are an excellent Rescue and everything possible is done for the Danes and their welfare. Your bitch hardly had the right start as a youngster from what you described re the previous owners. I wonder whether now she has the experience of living in a nice environment with plenty to eat and lots of attention she has her feet planted under the table and is wanting to be top bitch and pushing the other bitch out of 'her home'.
I think rehoming is the best option for everyone involved. You will get over her and Daneline are very good at letting you know how she is getting on.
Helen

[Mares]

wow...

Both of your stories are heart wrenching and I'm crying all over again.. it's obviously much easier for me to see it was the only decision you both could've taken.. It's clearer when it's not clouded by your own guilt and upset..

It's sooo very hard to try and seperate the relationship Missy and Phoebe had only two days ago to how it is now.. I wish Phoebe had never got caught in Missy's collar, but then maybe their fighting was always waiting to be triggered. I don't know. I just wish this was all a nightmare. I wish they could forget about the fight.

I'm trying so hard not to put my feelings of love for Missy, mixed up with a heafty dollup of guilt and dispair right now, over and above her need to find a suitable family and be completely happy.

We found Missy on Epupz.. not the best idea and one I wouldn't recommend. She was being re-homed because the family had split up, and the man had two toddler children who the wife wouldn't let him see with Missy in the house because she had knocked them over in the past. So therefore Missy was in Kennels for three weeks and home for one, or so they said. She was very very thin (our vet said she was severly underweight when we got her checked over). She smelt really bad, they blamed the kennels. The man had a new girlfriend and they were hoping to move near London. Yeah they were a bit 'chavvy' and ignorant and the area was pretty rough (but then who'm I to judge, I'm giving her away..) and he was asking £400 for her and even said he'd give us the rest of her food, bedding and toys for an extra £50. We declined. Now he asked us, if things didn't work out to let him know because he'd want her back. But I can't see how she'd be any better off going back... She'd be back at square one and back on Epupz before you know it with another price tag attached. He can't keep her himself because of his circumstances and I feel sick at the thought of her back there. I'm looking into Daneline, Sue is phoning me back later. Is it wrong to not 'tell' her previous owner??? Just another guilty right or wrong decision time.

Mares x

[Mares]

Hi Helen,

Thank you so so so much for your advice. Hearing from someone who knows Daneline is fantastic. It's made me sit up and stop feeling sorry for myself and to see it as a positive move for our beautiful Missy. It's not fair on her at all living like this, she had to sleep in the garage last night (heated with radio on with her crate and toys) and although she seemed relaxed and stress free (I was checking on her throughout the evening and early hours) it's not the best life for her like that, separated away from the family.

I'm trying to remain strong, and shall apologise to my husband... arrrrrgggghhhhh..!!

Mares x

[NALA21]

Hi There,

At the end of the day you are now the owner of Missy and its your decision of what happens to her , he has no real right to know , and like you say he may just want to re-sell her again, I would hand her into rescue with the details of the previous owner . And then inform him out of courtesey that you have given her to a rescue - if he is angry then so be it - by the sounds of it , he couldnt look after her anyway - so she will be better off getting a home that is correctly suited to her needs.

Hope this helps,

L
xxx

[Mares]

Hi L,

Yes, all your advice helps so much, I can't thank you enough. Your story about your beautiful Logan just shows that you are a strong, loving and caring woman.. and I want to be able to be like that also, even if the decision seems to 'contradict' it.

It's how you handle the hard and difficult times that shows who you are I suppose. I never want to go through this again. I can't possible even contemplate her future with her previous owner (even if he is huge and will probably be very angry..!).. Daneline is the way to go, it has to be.

My behaviourist has advised re-homing, our vet practise has and many owners on here have too.

But it's still not going to be easy.. but thank you again for your positive and insightful input.

Mares x

[dandydane]

hi mares i too have been in the same situation as yaself only 3 weeks ago...i bought a dog advertised on the net...spoke to her owners for ages on the phone she seemed great for us...we went to sheffield 2and a half hours from us seen her home etc and she seemed well cared for...a little under weight,and overgrown nails through lack of exercise but nothing major....we brought her home...she was perfect with the kids,good on lead etc....then i introduced her to my 2 dogs at home and holy hell broke loose(baring in mind i was told she was fine with other dogs and was another dog in the house i got her from),she was like a dog posessed she went straight for my dalmatian who loves any1 and everything,it seemed like for ever to part their fighting there was loads of blood which made me panic....from then on my dalmatian had to live in her crate..we tried for a whole week to intergrate them at home an neutral ground,there was just no chance...yet alone she was the perfect dane infact if anything so lazy ya didnt know ya had her....even though we didnt have her long i regretted re homing her again,the guilt of her being passed around etc...but im happy to say she has been rehomed with a couple with no kids,and no other dogs and they keep in contact and say they think shes fab xxx am sure daneline will do the same for missy..in all that week i was on the phone to lissi on a few occasions and she was fab with her advice and help,so dont feel guilty feel proud ya are doing missy the best also the best for phoebe then they both get the best of both worlds xx jade and slobbery kisses from harvey x

[sully]

Don't be ashamed or blame yourself, these things can happen with same sex dogs living together, it is not your fault.

You are being responsible considering rehoming her, both dogs will be far happier and safer away from each other and in a different home perhaps with a male Dane for company.


This happened to me, i had to rehome one of my own dogs and looking back on it i did the right thing, at the time i was upset and i wanted to keep both but they were better off and happier apart, and the one i rehomed went to live in a fantastic home.

[kimscot]

Mares, please don't feel guilty or upset. Yes you are doing the right thing. You don't want either dog to get hurt and poor Missy does'nt look like she's had a good start in life. Being an only dog may very well work out so much better for her. No I would'nt give her back to her previous owner, he'd only sell her again.....
I don't know if you read about 'my 'Bear'. He was a rescue, abused, very thin when I got him. I had him three months and he was looking fantastic. I loved and adored him. Cutting a long story short, Bear attacked my son, among other incidents. He had to be PTS. It broke my heart.
This was no one's fault, Bear was so damaged, not bad. We would never have completely trusted him again, he had it in him to bite.....but I loved him, still do..
Don't blame yourself, please, this would probably have happened sooner or later. Know this, you gave her a fantastic home, love and tlc, she never knew, She'll be a better dog for it and will settle in the right home because of YOU and your family.
I know its devastating and you love this baby but you are making the right decision for you, your family. Missy and Phoebe....
Sending Huge Hugs to you all
And special ones to Missy and Phoebe
Luv
Kim xx

[Mares]

Thanks Jade..

Yes, your experience sounds amazingly similar to mine.. except for four weeks Missy and Phoebe were great together.. it's a nightmare isn't it. It really is one of the hardest things I've ever experienced and it helps to know other good dog owners have been through the same and come out the other side with good futures for all concerned. Thank you.

Sully,

Again, I can't thank you enough. When I have your kind of advice and knowing it comes from someone with a wealth of knowledge and experience and has a love for Danes and can still be supportive in thinking of re-homing..

I've been spending time with Phoebe this morning, she's been put to the back of my mind to be honest because she's not the aggressor in this and because I feel so much more guilty over Missy because we took her from a unsuitable home thinking we could promise her a better life, and because Phoebe is not the one over stressed and angry or the one who is being considered for re-homing. When I let her out for a wee though, she is walkng slightly crouched and very very cautiously sniffing around, expecting Missy to come flying at her I suppose.. it's not fair to ignore Phoebe's needs either.

Phew, I'm exhausted.

Mares x x

[Ziggy&Co]

Hiya

Have posted a reply on your other thread for you.

I help run a rescue and see things from the other side if you like, so if you would like to phone me for a chat and some reassurance that you are doing exactly the right think please don't hesitate.

Tracy
Animals In Need
07775554383

[Mares]

Hi Kim,

Yes, I did read your story about Bear only last week and remember saying to my husband (whilst crying about it) how awful that must've been for you. I also read the story about the delivery and postal guy and how Bear played his role in that.. hehehehe...what a character and how lucky was he to have experience your love and care.

Thank you. I hope you're right.. when this feeling of dispair passes and the decision to give her to Daneline has been followed through I hope the pain abates a little and I can see more clearly that I've made the right decision for Missy and us. Right now I'm stumbling around, blindly groping for the right path under a huge burden of guilt and pain... it's the same as everyone feels when making whatever painful decisions for our dogs. I remember having to put my first beloved Cocker Springer cross bitch Charlotte to sleep only last yera, she was 16 and was on her last legs. It was awful and the guilt still swamps me now, but I know it was the right thing to do.

I'm never having any more dogs after all of this..!!

I'm trying to concentrate on Phoebe this morning, she has been affected by it all and is not wanting to go outside much and won't go anywhere near the garage.. she keeps seeking out our little 5 yr old Jack Russell and lying down with her.

I hope we come out of this okay.

Mares x

[kimscot]

Please darling, shift the guilt. This is NOT your fault...It was probably due to happen at sometime and Phoebe may have gotten hurt, really badly. Perhaps she wanted to be 'topdog'....I know its devastating sweetheart and of course you feel you never want another but you will, eventually. A nice submissive boy that Phoebe can boss around..If you want to talk, I'll pm you my number.
Don't ever blame yourself for this Mares, Phoebe will get back to normal. She's had a shock, feels threatened and needs her world back to the way it was before. Hell i cried buckets, still do but it will get better through time..
Let me know if you want my number and a sympathetic ear..Sometimes its good to talk to someone outwith the family who have a different perspective on things. I did, and the people who supported me were fantastic...
Much Love
Kim xxx

[wockwabbit]

Mares,

I admire your bravery and selflessness so much. The only thing you have to feel guilty about would be keeping them both when it obviously makes them (and you and your family- who are just as important here!) so unhappy.

Imagine if we had to live in that constant state of anxiety/fear/anger (and it sounds like you have been). It would be exhausting, stressful and not a happy life at all. Luckily they have an owner who really cares about their wellbeing and is willing to do what it takes to make sure EVERYONE gets the quality of life they deserve, even at emotional cost to herself.
I can fully understand that the hardest part is feeling that somehow you’ve failed them, but this simply isn’t true. You’re doing the best thing you can with the situation you’ve found yourself in. You’ve taken expert advice to try and ‘fix’ it, not just given up because it was too difficult. I know that the chances are you will continue to beat yourself up about it, but the fact that you feel so bad about it but STILL are able to go through the rehoming process shows that you’re not being selfish and have nothing to feel guilty about.

Don’t feel guilty about grieving either. Losing a dog, even if it’s not across the rainbow bridge, is still a difficult thing to go through.

Our thoughts, and admiration, are with you.
x

[pixiebean22]

I think you are making a very brave and tough decision deciding to rehome her. We all know how hard that must be. I'm sure they will find her a loving home.

[Mares]

wockwabbit, on 28 January 2010 - 10:57 AM, said:

Mares,

I admire your bravery and selflessness so much. The only thing you have to feel guilty about would be keeping them both when it obviously makes them (and you and your family- who are just as important here!) so unhappy.

Imagine if we had to live in that constant state of anxiety/fear/anger (and it sounds like you have been). It would be exhausting, stressful and not a happy life at all. Luckily they have an owner who really cares about their wellbeing and is willing to do what it takes to make sure EVERYONE gets the quality of life they deserve, even at emotional cost to herself.
I can fully understand that the hardest part is feeling that somehow you’ve failed them, but this simply isn’t true. You’re doing the best thing you can with the situation you’ve found yourself in. You’ve taken expert advice to try and ‘fix’ it, not just given up because it was too difficult. I know that the chances are you will continue to beat yourself up about it, but the fact that you feel so bad about it but STILL are able to go through the rehoming process shows that you’re not being selfish and have nothing to feel guilty about.

Don’t feel guilty about grieving either. Losing a dog, even if it’s not across the rainbow bridge, is still a difficult thing to go through.

Our thoughts, and admiration, are with you.
x

The best thing about you guys on this forum is that not only do you have funny stories, great feeding, playing and accessories suggestions, medical and health advice and a wealth of knowledge and experience.. you also rally round when things are tough.

Wockwabbit,

Only the other week I ordered a Gencon halti for Missy after reading the thread about them and your ordering advice, which I took..! And now you're using the most kind and supportive words to help me out, again with Missy, but for a much much worse reason.. I can't show you my gratitude enough.. My doggy world has come crashing down and I'm struggling, I really am. But you and others on here are my comfort line and my support system right now and I'm emmersing myself in it. People in my small and lovely village know Missy and Phoebe from seeing us walk, but we have (to misquote a famous comedic line) The only Danes in the Village (!!) and so can't physically turn to anyone. And as I said I've been a bit horrid to my husband who is seeing it all more cut and dried and won't leave me with both dogs (obviously) and so wants to sort it out as soon as possible which makes me feel rushed and resentful and like he's ok with it all, which of course he's not. My Dad is being less than helpful because he witnessed the fighting and suggested "My dogs want shooting" which infuriated me even more and I'm now avoiding all communication with him because I'm so angry.. but as I said, mum had to go to hospital and have her finger put back in it's socket and has chipped a bone after helping me cut that fateful collar off and being knocked over. So anyways, the constructive and sympathetic advice on here, along with your similar experiences is what's helping me through.

I certainly don't feel selfless or in anyway deserving of admiration, quite the opposite, but those words from someone who cares about our Danes is encouraging and enables me to face the reality of my situation and to do what is right by my Phoebe Doo and Missy Moo.

So, once again, I thank you... Wockwabbit and everyone else.. you are truly truly invaluable friends to me right now, even if it is online.. thank you for getting me through this, it is you that I admire.

Mares x x

[abuh]

Just want to say ..
BE Brave....

You are doing whats best for the dog and that was your first intention when you so kindly took her on...

Use a good rescue and stay in touch if that is what you want....
Consider what you are doing as a foster for a while untill she can find a place where she can fit in better....

YOU have done nothing wrong , the dogs decided that life was going to put them in a position where they would eventualy come to this cross roads
An now they must take there own paths...
You can help in the path or not !

What you are doing is better for the dogs an that must always stay uppermost in your mind....

Be brave......
Be strong .....

Lots of positive thinking coming your way......

[Megansmom]

Just to add to what others have already said - yes, you are doing the right thing for the dogs and your family as a whole, and that's what counts. I can understand how you feel, though, very upsetting.

If it's any comfort, all our 3 dogs have come from Daneline - two surrenders and one cruelty - and if I say so myself, they couldn't have found a better home. Rest assured, Lissi and Sue will find the best home for your girl.