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Roxy - My Soulmate Dog


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#1 roxybrown

roxybrown

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Posted 31 December 2017 - 01:24 PM

Roxy

My heart is broken in a million pieces. I knew it would be painful to lose her... but I never imagined how painful this would actually be. I’m lost. I miss her so much. I feel all the should’ve, could’ve, would’ve. I feel guilt. I feel regret. I feel like I’m going crazy with grieve.

Roxy was a sweet 10-year-old girl. She was my soulmate dog. I was her person. I was truly her person. She liked other people but only truly loved me. And I loved her the same. She meant the world to me. She could ease my sadness, my pain, my fear and my anxiety, just by being close to me. She hated seeing me upset or mad. She hated it so much that she would move away from me when I cried. She was so silly and loving. She had so many specials ways about her. The way she smelled, the sounds she made and her gentle kisses and nudges. I don’t even know where to begin... but I feel like I need to vent this out to a community of people that may truly understand what its like to love a Dane and to suffer the loss of losing your best friend, your baby, your soulmate pooch.

Roxy had been slowing down in the past few months to a year. Her backend was giving her issues. She was having issues jumping up and down from our bed, it would cause her to limp. So, we took our bed off the frame and laid our mattress on the floor to make it easier for her. It was harder for her to get up from laying position and to run and stand for long periods of time. She had good days and bad days but still seemed to be ok. Just a little slower. Age settling in. She still seemed happy. Fast forward to the past 3 months. My husband and I separated. He refused to leave the house. So, I had to move out. Of course, I rented a place that allowed dogs. I couldn’t image a live without my girl. I needed her, and she needed me. However, the house I rented has mainly all hardwood floors. She wasn’t comfortable here. It was even harder for her to get around. So, I didn’t make her live here with me. I still visited almost her every day, even if it was just for a few minutes. Brought her over for a few hours during the week and we had sleepovers at mommy’s house on weekends. During one of the visits, she was in heat and our male dog (neutered mutt) tried humping her, she collapsed and couldn’t get back up. I had to help her. It broke my heart and scared me so much. But she seemed to recover from that fall fairly well. She would get so excited to come with me. Sometimes even wag her tail and stand by her leash begging to come with me on days I couldn’t take her due to work or busy schedule. It broke my heart. I bought more throw carpets. I bought her a bed. I just went for third shift to first shift, with a lay-off coming up so I was trying so hard to transition my place, so it was comfortable enough for her to live with me full time, but I ran out of time before I could make that happen. In the past few months I really noticed the hunch back, the shaking leg while standing, needing to help her onto the couch and getting up from laying at times. She didn’t show pain. She still ate, drank, kissed me, cuddled me. Then Christmas Eve, she woke up at my house and she was really struggling. Throughout the weekend she pooped three times while laying down, like she didn’t know she had to go... couldn’t sense the urge. When I dropped her off at my exes, I told him she was having a really bad day. She was wobbly, kept collapsing, struggling to find strength to get up. On Christmas she was even worse. But was still able to get up and move around a little for half of the day. She always loved Christmas... but just laid there. I took her presents over to where she laid, and she opened one or two with my help, but it wasn’t the same. The day after Christmas, she couldn’t move at all. We got her up once. It was awful. Paws were knuckling, wobbly, weak but she tried to walk over to me wagging her tail saying, mommy I’m ok. But after that one time, she just laid. She just peed and pooped where she laid. I had to bring food to her. She wasn’t interested in water, but I could get a tiny bit in her. She was so uncomfortable. She wanted to get up, but she couldn’t. She wanted to reposition herself, but she couldn’t. I was with her the whole time. I never left her side for more than a few minutes. On Wednesday, her last day with us, she couldn’t move. We could tell she lost feeling in her back end. She ate. I fed her some leftovers for Christmas dinner. Her head was perked up. She would look for me if I had to get up for a moment to make a call or get something from the kitchen. She kissed me. Mentally she was still there. Completely. Mentally my baby was right there. Loving me and much I loved her. It was difficult getting her to the vet. She had to be carried of course, and she didn’t like that. She laid on the doggy bed I bought her just a few weeks ago, covered in urine, with her head perked up as we waited for the vet to come in. He said, we could spend about 10grand for an MRI, Surgery and Rehab but at her age, there was no guarantee that she would even be eligible for surgery or if the surgery was successful, how long it would buy her. I couldn’t imagine putting her through all that. Putting her through being laid up, uncomfortable and miserable for months just to have a few more good months with me. I couldn’t do that to her. I loved her too much to watch her suffer any longer.

That’s where all the regret comes in. After reading through the forum, I read people that had similar issues that were able to manage it and their dog recovered. Did I give up to quickly? Then there’s the, I should’ve took her to the vet sooner. Maybe they could’ve gave her meds then to slow it down and give her more time. I would’ve moved heaven and earth and spared no expense to save my girl. And there’s the guilt. I’m so sorry. I just want her to know how sorry I am. Did she want more time? Was she ready to cross the bridge? Now there’s the crazy… researching pet mediums because I want so desperately to connect with her one last time. To tell her that I’m soooooooo sorry. To tell her that I love her fiercely and unconditionally. That I wasn’t mad at her for having accidents, that I didn’t care about that one bit, that I just thought she was in pain and suffering and I wanted to help her. And I’m sorry for moving out and losing so much time with her but I had plans to move her in. She was always in my heart and always in my plans. And I’m sorry that I didn’t take her to the vet sooner, I thought it was just old age and that she had more time. I’m just so sorry. And I miss her soooooo much. And I’m researching about dogs’ souls and pretending she’s still here with me. Trying to hear her. Trying to sense her. To feel her. I don’t know how to get through this. I know she would hate to see me in this much pain. I know I need to put my brave face on for my other dog and my daughters. I know I need to get up off this couch and begin to live again. But how do you do that when your heart is broken in a million pieces and the only being on this planet that made you feel better, is gone.

I want to believe this was all in gods plan. That he knew losing her would be so tremendously painful for me that the past 3 months of not being with her constantly was a stepping stone in the transition and that she fell extremely ill during the holiday because I had time off work and could be by her side throughout her final days. I want to believe that I did the right thing. I want to believe that her spirit is still with me and that she can hear me apologizing and telling her how much I love her.